As a child, I read Love, Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli and connected right away with Stargirl. I loved her fearlessness to be herself, her wonder for the world, and her abounding kindness. In the story, Stargirl leaves behind orange halves throughout the town as a treat for birds and other animals. These oranges come to mark her path. If someone in town saw an orange half on top of a fence, they knew Stargirl had been there.
I write Kimber Was Here to have a record of how I make sense of the world. These essays are my oranges.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for following along.
Piggy Love
Last year, I found myself at an Enchanted Pig Forest. I haven’t been the same since.
Think about some of the insults about pigs (“You’re such a pig!”) — it’s never a good thing.
Turns out pigs are really sweet. They will roll over and beg for belly rubs. They wag their tails. They will eat food from your hands gently. They have a hierarchal structure and naturally sort themselves into groups, much like humans!
At the Enchanted Pig Forest, rescued pigs from testing labs and slaughterhouses are revered and honored. They have their own villages, and each pig has a name and their own story. The people who volunteer know each one personally. An animal that is often considered the lowest of the low are seen and valued for who they are. They even have a whole chapel on site dedicated to the pigs who have passed.
Seeing a lowly, misunderstood animal treated like loyalty strengthens your appreciation for life all around you.
(If you want to learn more - CTPR is the place!)
Self Talk (Nobody Can Hear You!)
I think we can learn something from the dedicated pig forest volunteers. They have no expectations of the pigs, don’t try to sell them, don’t train them to do any tricks — their philosophy is to just let the pigs “be pigs” and do their thing.
I wonder if we could look at humans (and therefore, ourselves) in the same way. Could we release some expectations, not force ourselves to do tricks, and just let humans be human? Could we look at a human weep uncontrollably one day and laugh loudly the next and shake our heads adoringly and think, “Ah, that’s such a human thing to do.”
As women, negative self-talk is almost seen as a norm. Popular, classic movies show women belittling themselves, and speaking negatively of their appearance for kicks and giggles (WHO allowed Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada to be told that a size 6 was fat?!?).
I remember when my self-talk used to be so critical. I would literally doodle “I hate myself” in cute letters all over my binders in middle school. The absolutely tragic thing about this is it is considered normal!! Women empathize with each other, are offered solutions of tweezers and routines and makeup, and look helplessly to sources of power outside of themselves to heal.
I still remember the day I had an epiphany: NOBODY CAN HEAR HOW I AM SPEAKING TO MYSELF. For some reason I thought that if I complimented myself too much, I would be come too prideful and other people would think I didn’t see my shortcomings. My self-criticism was helping me work harder and be better. It was protecting me from looking stupid, it was protecting me from failing, yadayadayadayada.
Guess what? Your intense criticism, blame, hatred, shame, guilt? Nobody can hear you. Nobody actually cares (in the best way possible). The stakes are really not that high.
I began an experiment years ago after I learned nobody could hear how I talked to myself. I figured whenever someone complimented me, I would believe about 30% of it. That means I’d need to crank up my compliments inside my head up 130%.
Okay, so let’s say I lose my car keys (past roommates and husband will know this is not an infrequent occurrence). I could think to myself “You’re so stupid. You can’t take care of anything. You’re dumb and irresponsible and nobody can trust you. Why can’t you just be more careful?”
Ooof. Ouch. Writing that out hurts. I still do think those things to myself sometimes. And maybe other people think those things, too.
So, in my mind, the turnaround to the key situation would be something like: “You absolutely gorgeous, bright, amazing girl! You love to go on adventures! We have all the time in the world right now! You are going to find your keys — you always do! Believe in yourself, you incredible person. You’ve done this before, and you will make it through like you always do!”
Maybe a little cringey, a lot silly, and totally uncool. But hey — nobody can hear what I say to myself but myself — so might as well make the best of it!!
Slowly, steadily, after years of purposely being mindful of my thoughts and feeding myself 130% amped-up compliments, I generally speak kindly to myself now. Don’t get me wrong: it’s no easy feat, but it is a fight worth fighting.
Let your light shine, girl!
Here’s the truth: it’s a little uncool to shine too brightly. We don’t want to pretend our life is perfect when it’s not, we don’t want to make other women feel bad, we don’t want to brag and desire and express gratitude amid suffering and darkness and oppression.
This is not to say to not feel our emotions. In fact, we need to honor those too! Just like the pigs — we gotta let ourselves just human around sometimes.
But maybe there is a secret to all of this. Maybe the bragging, desiring, and gratitude-ing is what lets us out of suffering and darkness and oppression. Not only us, but others!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that life as a woman is sacred. When we realize that we hold the Spirit of Goddess — the Spirit of LIFE within us, we cultivate a glow within ourselves that radiates out of our whole being and can be seen a mile away.
I read a fantastic book recently. Some parts are a little ~wild~ for my taste, and some of it I don’t particularly agree with, but other parts have been so insanely profound that I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I hesitate even to share the title because my grandparents and my mom are this newsletter’s biggest supporters. Hi grandma, and sorry mom, but this is what the book is called: Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer.
She writes,
“I found that when a woman… gives her body delicious attention — like warm baths, with rose petals, by the candlelight — she enlivens her own sense of holiness. When she makes delicious healthy foods, she is feeding the sacred fire inside of her. When she dresses herself carefully and beautifully, she nurtures the best parts of herself. The more she bows before her own altar, the more glorious, powerful, and confident she feels, and the more generous she becomes with others.”
When we feel depleted, it is easy to turn away from ourselves. Maybe we go about trying to fix other people’s problems, maybe we keep ourselves busy to avoid feeling what we need to feel. During times like this, be extra kind to yourself. Take a bath, take time getting ready, eat slowly and purposefully, speak 130% kinder to yourself than usual.
We forget we are a temple. We house God(dess) within us. A wonderful teacher of womanhood, Allison Armstrong, taught that the essence of a woman is timelessness. Women are the essence of eternity.
The beautiful truth about being a woman is when we see another woman who has stepped into her radiance, we unknowingly feel permission to do the same. We feed off of each other’s light and goodness.
The Divine Feminine inside of us naturally creates and replenishes (I mean, think of our menstrual cycle!). So the best thing, truly, that we can do for each other as women is to help each other feel connected back to and cherished by ourselves.
It is not an easy thing to commit to loving yourself. Regena Thomashauer states, “It is pure effort, like pedaling a bicycle uphill. But so worth it for the incredible view when you get to the top.”
I hope that every woman I know will get to the top — I hope we will get there together!
Here’s to committing to the radiance and love within us,
Thank you for your inspiring words to keep going with self-talk that nourishes and inspires us (and the freeing thought that no one can hear us!!) Great quote about sometimes feeling like we are pedaling uphill in these efforts but it’s worth it.