I accepted a new job, I accepted a new life, I accepted a marriage with a man who I trust is good but am still getting to know. It’s hard to feel fulfilled in a world that is run on money. It’s cool to be a “girl boss,” a female CEO, a woman in business… but what about just a woman?
What about a woman who ties her hands and feet together to keep a household running? A woman with a degree she doesn’t use? A woman who finds unexplainable joy in the cracked patterns the four makes on top of a freshly baked piece of bread? (she knows exactly one recipe for bread: the kind you don’t have to knead)
What about a woman who is caught between girlhood and womanhood? What about her? The girl who is happy with the new, shiny things of the world and yet her heart breaks each time she hears a baby cry? What about her?
What about the girl who wants to teach, but can’t quite make the leap - who is paralyzed by her own insecurities and degrees - did she learn enough? Could she get the support she needs? WAs that year she taught an easy one - a fluke? A lucky try? Could she do it again?
Would her $50,000 a year be enough? Would her husband - she trusts he is a good man - agree? Would he agree to not measure her success by a check in the mail, but by the amount of hopeful eyes she sees on a school day? By essays that showed heart? By capitalized sentences and active, not passive voice? I was hurt. I was chased. I was freed. They freed me. The kids freed me.
The girl-woman caught somewhere between girlhood and womanhood, she’s fueled by hope and fire in her students’ eyes. She’s fueled by the way flour cracks over bread. She’s fueled by a smiling, carefree husband with kind eyes and a good heart. She’s fueled by the lights that hang over restaurant patios, twinkling and dancing, calling for someone to have a magical night. Maybe that magical night will be hers.
She’s fueled by phone calls - both the meaningful and the unmeaningful ones. She’s fueled by kind strangers, good thrift finds, brave souls who sell their art for thousands. She’s fueled by it all.
The girl-woman who begins to envision putting her art upo for people to see, who envisions the thousands of eyes she will encounter in her lifetime. She takes a deep breath and finds her own hopeful eyes in the mirror. They twinkle and dance back at her. Calling for her to make a magical life.
I love seeing what’s in your heart this way. It’s so beautiful. ♥️