As a child, I read “Love, Stargirl” by Jerry Spinelli and connected right away with Stargirl. I loved her fearlessness to be herself, her wonder for the world, and her abounding kindness. In the story, Stargirl leaves behind orange halves throughout the town as a treat for birds and other animals. These oranges come to mark her path. If someone in town saw an orange half on top of a fence, they knew Stargirl had been there.
I write Kimber Was Here to have a record of how I make sense of the world. These essays are my oranges.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for following along.
Before meeting Jonny, I was in a very dark place.
I had just come out of a bewildering relationship that did not serve me. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s scary and hard to walk away from a relationship you have that is REAL and AVAILABLE and THERE when you feel like there’s something not quite right. It can be terrifying to leave the known for the unknown, just hoping there is something out there that’s better.
In that relationship, I found myself trying to force my body into weirdly shaped boxes to appease the person I was with. The box was uncomfortable – I was cramped and it was hard to breathe and think and live. I was suffocating. I woke up one day and realized I no longer recognized myself. My self-esteem at that point was at an all-time low. I felt overwhelmed and helpless — like I was in thick darkness.
To claw myself out of that dark box I was in, I had to finally choose ME. I had to choose ME loudly and clearly and unwaveringly. I had to choose ME over and over. Breaking up was empowering and healing. The relationship ended with a clear mind and a little fire burning within me. I was not willing to settle anymore. I finally took responsibility for my life and knew I would create a beautiful and meaningful life for myself – with or without a partner. With my newfound sense of self after experiencing the tremendous loss that came with cramming myself into spaces that didn’t fit me, I was finally okay with just being who I was. In the past, I hadn’t truly accepted myself; that made it hard to let others accept me, too.
Although that relationship was so dark and heavy and I held a lot of shame from staying in it as long as I did, I am grateful that I learned to stand up for myself.
I decided that if I was going to be in a relationship again, it would be with someone who felt like a soulmate. The pain wasn’t worth it otherwise. In a small act of faith and bravery and newfound hope, I put a sticky note on my mirror that read “God is bringing me my soulmate.”
Some people don’t believe in soulmates, but I do. Not even a month later, Mr. Jonny Poon waltzed back into my life.
What many people don’t know about Jonny and me is that we had known each other for YEARS before we started dating. We had many mutual friends and had even been on a one (1) date three years prior. At that point, neither of us were ready for each other.
When we reconnected after my soulmate manifestation, it only took a few months of talking and spending time together before I knew that Jonny was the real deal. This time I was genuinely ready for him. Jonny was and is so pure in heart. He saw the world the same way I saw it: like everything was working in our favor. He had rich South East Asian and Chinese heritage which I appreciated and understood from my travels and study of Mandarin. He went along with my crazy ideas – like making a series of TikTok videos about dates themed by color. He dedicated himself to making my dreams come true, which led us to Taiwan last summer to teach English. Jonny’s love is simple and honest and true. He makes me want to be a better person every day. There is no doubt in my mind that he is my soulmate (Jonny, on the other hand, says he is still skeptical of soulmates *eye roll*).
My story of love is as much about finding myself as it is about finding Jonny. I am endlessly grateful that Jonny was my light after dark, my calm after the storm. It’s such a beautiful thing to fall in love. Your world opens up a little bit because you’re willing to let someone else in.
I know this is a sappy post, but hey, it’s Valentine’s Day! I get a free pass!
I’d like to share three poems that I wrote while Jonny and I were dating. These poems transport me back to that time of blissful excitement and heart eyes. Although you will read the poems all together, they were written at different times in our period of dating. They are precious to me.
I. The Beginning It’s hopeful To hear Myself stumbling over words My pinks turn cheek And my heart Fluts and flutters I look forward to his name, Fluster more than usual I hope he pinks and flutters and flusters, too. II. A Sappy Poem I can’t look at a sunset And not think of you So every night my Heart melts with The oranges and violets And I imagine you Commenting on the way The mountains fold into the twinkling sky Sometimes I cry, Tasting sweet nothings As if for the first time III. Home There’s a lot I could say, But I’ll just say this: Last night when you Held me after a long day, We breathed a sigh Of relief together, harmoniously, And it struck a chord of a familiar song. It felt easy, It felt like home.
Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you spend it with who you love — whatever that looks like for you.
This is such a captivating account of your falling in love with someone you'd known for some time. Precious that you could capture your feelings so beautifully. I think the world of Jonny - AND you - so it is a match made in Heaven in my opinion, for sure! God bless you both! ♥☼♥
I love this so much. All of it. Especially your beautiful poetry. ♥️♥️♥️