In my favorite childhood novel “Love, Stargirl” by Jerry Spinelli, Stargirl leaves behind orange halves throughout the town as a treat for birds and other animals. These oranges come to mark her path. If someone in town saw an orange half on top of a fence, they knew Stargirl had been there.
I write Kimber Was Here to have a record of how I make sense of the world. These essays are my oranges.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for following along.
Airplanes are time portals to another world. It’s crazy — you sit down, and within hours, you are transported to a new time zone, climate, people, and life. Airplanes, for me, have always been a nice place to sit and think. When you’re high, high, high up in the sky, you see plainly that all your problems and worries that seem so big are actually really, really small—a microscopic dot on the surface of the earth. What a concept!
On this particular plane ride this past week, I listened to a podcast from 2018 that interviewed Mari Andrew. On this episode, she shared a framework that she uses to help her make decisions: the only two people you need to impress are your five-year-old self and your eighty-year-old self.
I spent the rest of the time on the plane thinking about this. Who was my five-year-old self? I smiled at the memories.
My five-year-old self:
She loved wearing dresses!
She loved Chinese culture (big thanks to Sagwa the Chinese Siamese Cat). She was a natural teacher. In fact, in Kindergarten, she asked her teacher if she could give a presentation to her class on China. She made a tri-fold, sewed gold stars onto the red Chinese flag, and taught everyone in the class how to use chopsticks.
She was observant. She saw the needs of others and created community wherever she went.
She loved to create. Whenever she was bored, she’d throw open the closet with all the craft supplies and grab air-dry clay, pipe cleaners, and markers and create for the sake of creating.
She read a lot of books, often quietly, by herself.
She loved to draw and would sketch people and cats and mermaids over and over, creating characters and stories.
She created books by hole-punching papers and tying them together with string.
It’s astounding, at five years old, that I was so remarkably me.
My current self:
I grew up to study Chinese in school and on my LDS mission, which led to eventually attending a language-intensive study abroad in China.
I am a high school English teacher. I read books, quietly, by myself.
I am observant. I enjoy volunteering in my community.
I love to create. I feel most like myself when I am creating art or writing stories. I hope I can have the courage my five-year-old self did to create books and share them unabashedly.
When I think of my five-year-old self — ah, I hope I can impress her.
And when I think of my eighty-year-old self, the picture is a little hazy, but I know the basics:
She loves to wear dresses.
She is community-focused. She has spent her life teaching in different capacities and in service to others.
She can speak, read, and write Chinese! (What a feat!) and has gone to China many times for research and just for fun.
She has her experiences and stories and memories all on proud display in her home—through the form of interesting art and design.
She reads, quietly, by herself.
She is observant. She has written many stories and books. She creates, freely, in her spare time.
I hope she lives in New York.
I smile thinking about how similar I envision my five-year-old self and my eighty-year-old self to be.
Re-Evaluating
With my past and future more in focus, I naturally started thinking about what I could do now to honor my five-year-old self and pursue my eighty-year-old self.
As someone who admittedly loves New Year’s Resolutions, I felt that this reflective time on the plane was a good opportunity to re-evaluate. And it’s June - we’re halfway through! Hence, the Mid-Year Resolutions.
It boiled down to four main things that I want to do more of:
Wear more dresses! For some reason, this was a common theme for my five-year-old self and eighty-year-old self. I don’t own too many dresses right now, but I picture both of them wearing fun, flouncy, full, loud, unique, colorful dresses. I want to dress in a way that honors my soul! I think she loves dresses!
Host more. Deep down, I love the idea of hosting niche-themed dinner parties, craft nights, and special classes. Due to some sad/bad hosting experiences in my past, I recently have shied away from hosting anything at all. This one is truly scary for me to overcome—but my five-year-old self and eighty-year-old self want me to do it!
Create more. I want to embody the philosophy of creating just to create. Not having a specific outcome in mind, but setting up shop, channeling into creativity, and letting it flow out of me. I know this is good for me, and something my five-year-old self did so easily.
Write more. I currently write more consistently than I ever have before, but I want to focus more on my writing goals. I have book ideas in my mind, but I know I need to commit to a writing practice and trust myself that I can do it!
I’m grateful that I still have six months of the year to let these mid-year resolutions become interwoven into this year's fabric. :) Besides getting more dresses, these changes that I can bring to my life are 100% free!!
I want to be more present in the real world. I want to go shopping for these dresses in person. I want to find my style in thrift stores, not in the current fashion trends. I want to create physical, not digital art. I want to pick up a paintbrush and feel the coarseness of the paper. I want to read actual books, not just read snippets here and there through hours of scrolling online. I want to host parties, not just catch up with friends on Facetime. I want to live fully and presently in this real, wide world.
In the end, all I want to do is make my five-year-old self and eighty-year-old self proud. :)
Thanks for reading,
Reflection Questions:
What would impress your five-year-old and eighty-year-old self?
What can you do these next six months to become more aligned with your vision of your true self and who you want to be?
Recommended Reads:
What a fun essay, connecting to your younger and older selves. It is kind of amazing how, while we are always learning and growing, we're also just kind of always us. Beautiful thoughts, Kimber.
I loved, loved your essay about your young self - and your 80-year old self. SO poetically written! I knew you as a 5-year old, and absolutely ADORE the photo you posted. And I can even sort of envision you at my age. [I turn 80 next year.] With your bright, creative mind and big heart, I'd say the sky is the limit as you fill the years ahead of you with energy, hope, and goodness! Love you, Gma E.