Something for Sundays is a series of posts about my experiences with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, featured in my Kimber Was Here newsletter. Today's post reflects my personal journey wrestling with Mormon faith and tradition, and may challenge some beliefs. If you're not in the right space to read this, I understand, I do not fault you, and I am so grateful you subscribe anyway. I love you! :)
Mormon church buildings are very recognizable on the inside. Cut-and-paste, wherever you go in the world, there’s a sense of familiarity.
A funny account on Instagram is called @texturesofmormonism. It’s spot on. The floral couches, half-carpeted walls, the classic Del Parson Jesus painting (that people say resembles Del Parson himself), plastic sacrament cups filled with water, the classic folded-up metal chairs… and sometimes, if you’re lucky, the fold-up chairs with the padding!!!
Everywhere in the world, I know I can find that familiarity. There is a sort of relief that comes with that world-wide belonging.
I know this organization like the back of my hand. I come from a long line, on both sides of my family, of members of the Church. Ever heard of Brigham Young, the second prophet of the Church? The controversial leader with 50+ wives who led the Saints by foot to Utah? The one who looked over the Salt Lake Valley and declared, “This is the place!” Yeah, that’s my great-great-great-great-Uncle.
I was essentially born to belong in this world of Mormonism.
And now… it feels like I don’t. I don’t outsource my beliefs anymore to an institution. I dress differently, think differently, and talk differently than I used to. The core of who I am is still the same — but in a lot of ways, the Kimber that was as true believing as they come has evolved into a new human. What do you do when you no longer feel like you belong in a place you once belonged?
It’s a weird feeling — to intimately understand the other side. I don’t quite feel comfortable in, and I don’t quite feel comfortable out.
The Cafeteria Approach
Sundays have become increasingly hard for me. It feels like I have a hole in my heart. It’s a damned if I do, damned if I don’t sort of situation. Both ex-mormons and true believing mormons alike are not a fan of the person who is “lukewarm” in the Church.
Ex-Mormons: It’s all a scam! It’s a cult! If you don’t believe in the origins of the Church, you shouldn’t get to have the benefits. You shouldn’t be able to dress however you want and have a multi-generational community. You can’t have your cake and eat it too!!!
True-Believing Mormons: You’re either all-in or all-out in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Sure, you can come and participate as a lesser-non-temple-recommend-holding-Member, but you’ll be missing out on the FULL blessings and FULL happiness that comes with living the gospel with exact obedience.
It’s like… nobody wants me.
Is it worse to be banished to the wilderness and try to piece together a community of my own that haphazardly resembles the good parts of this community that I genuinely love? Or is it worse to attend each Sunday and pretend to believe in the dogmatic truth claims? What happens when they start playing “Praise to the Man”??? (The Man = Joseph Smith, not Jesus Christ, btw)
Russel M. Nelson, now the Prophet of the church, counseled parents to warn their children about people who take a “cafeteria approach to obedience” and choose to follow some commandments and ignore others.
This is interesting to me because later on in the talk, Nelson uses the Word of Wisdom as an example of such a kind of commandment. Those visible commandments that are emphasized in the Church, like Word of Wisdom, tithing, and modesty (not a commandment, but still policed) are easy to see if people are following or not.
But Jesus’ most important commandments (He said so himself!) are the ones you cannot see. Most people would have no idea if they had encountered someone who is picking-and-choosing Jesus’ commandments because those commandments are commandments of the heart. God cares more about what is in your heart than what rituals you participate in. (Again, he said so himself!)
My question is, why does Jesus, in his earthly ministry, not seem to follow strictly the rules of the Sabbath? Why, when asked who will be the greatest in heaven, does he bring in a child to the center of them? Why, although criticized and ridiculed, Jesus consistently ignored purity laws and surrounded himself with lepers, sinners, and tax collectors? Why, when asked what the greatest commandment of heaven is, he says, “Love God and love your neighbor as yourself?” Jesus always prioritized compassion and mercy over adherence to a religious law.
It’s so ironic to me that the people Jesus spent the most time around weren’t the strictly obedient ones (the Pharisees). It was people who could barely muster to believe in his divine calling. It was prostitutes and homeless people and the diseased. And when people asked Jesus how to get eternal life, he said, “Love God and love your neighbor.” If you were to ask a Mormon how to get to eternal life, they’d give you a 17-point-check list. And what more, there are accountability check-points to make sure you are always in-line. It works for some people! It really does! But are we missing the mark?
I was always confused when people in the Church said, “the gospel is sooo simple!” I thought, “Which gospel are you talking about? Are we experiencing and living the same gospel??”
I think it really depends how you define “the gospel” — which is a term that has come to mean many different things, some that do not have to do with Jesus’ teachings at all. The gospel, to me, is the good news that the Savior lived, died, and lived again, and that we have a way to be reconciled with God.
It’s not just Mormonism. Christianity as a whole seems to have done what humans have always done — try to ensure that they themselves are correct by building processes, procedures, and hoops to jump through to prove themselves worthy. The sad but beautiful thing that is so crucial to understand is that you already are worthy. Jesus spoke of pastures and rest that don’t just exist in a future life — it can exist now.
Searching and Finding
On a hard church day, I sat in the car with a woman in my congregation who I really respect. I asked her, “How do you do it?? You’re smart. I trust you. I’m so confused. How do you do it?”
She told me, “I have found that this is the place where I can best teach my child about Heavenly Father. It’s the best place I’ve found for my family.”
I believe her!
I asked another friend, and she said, “This is the best place I’ve found to learn about Jesus.”
I believe her, too!
In the past, their words would have been enough for me. But that phrase “I’ve found” “I’ve found” kept echoing in my mind.
I want to find it, too.
I think of the Chinese word for find “找到“ zhao dao. It’s made up of two characters - Zhao means to search, and Dao means to arrive.
You can’t dao without the zhao. You can’t arrive without the search.
For me, I feel a strange sense of satisfaction and joy in the search (and pain and confusion and deep deep grief).
Jonny and I were in Utah this past month before we make our move final at the end of July. When I landed in Utah, a prayer came: God, help me see what I’ve been missing.
And I saw So. Many. Churches. So many communities of people gathering to worship God.
Many members of the church, when they leave Mormonism, are turned off by religion as a whole. I understand that. When you’ve given so much of yourself to an organization and were disappointed for whatever reason, it’s scary to turn around and commit to a new one that will probably also disappoint you.
But I am so incredibly curious about them — how do they view commandments? How do they view the nature of God? How do they view the afterlife? How do they live out the teachings of Jesus?
Which is how I’ve found myself at different communities of worship the past few Sundays. I’ve visited a few Christian churches around my neighborhood, including a Unitarian Universalist. Last week, I went to a Catholic mass for the first time just for fun! And it was fun! (Or at least, my version of fun :)
I feel like I am on a journey, trying to dig through the dogma and the baked-in tradition and the customs and the language and try to find the root of it all (picking up some helpful clues along the way).
Building Belonging
At my family reunion a few weeks ago, I came across this beautiful creation: a wreath on the ground! Children had collected flower petals and pine cones and dried leaves and grass and arranged them in a circle right in the center of the sidewalk.
People reverently stepped around the wreath. It was made with so much care that it felt holy.
In my search for finding a place where my faith can feel at home, I learn about helpful ideologies, beliefs, practices, verses, traditions, rituals, and songs. If they pluck on my heartstrings and it is in tune with the beat of my heart, I can find a place for it in my wreath. Up close ,each belief might look individual and not connected, just like single petal or a stem, but when you step back a little bit, you can see that it comes together quite nicely.
The minute I saw that wreath on the ground, I saw it as a representation of my faith. As I have learned more about various faith traditions, I take a pine cone here and a rosebud there, and I make my own little wreath on the ground. Standing in that circle, in the midst of it all, I belong. I’m learning that belonging seems to begin, truly, with feeling at home in yourself, in your mind, in your body, in your faith. It’s hard work, but when you can build that inner wreath, the outer world can snap into focus. I belong to myself and I belong to my God and I belong to the world around me — what else is there?
James W. Fowler might describe this as Stage 4 in his six Stages of Faith — Individuative-Reflective Faith. In this stage, individuals begin to critically examine their beliefs and values. There is a shift from external authority to internal authority. As this faith becomes more personal and individualized, it can often lead to tensions with previous faith communities.
I’m toying around with the idea that I do not necessarily need to give up the world-wide familiarity, the ugly floral couches, and the Jesus I have come to know. Parts of me will always belong to Mormonism. This is the community that raised me, that loved me, that shaped me. Maybe I can take the good parts, add them to my wreath, and leave the rest to the wind.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for reading.
I relate so much to this in-between space and how it comes with being completely misunderstood. You’ve written about it so well.
What you are seeking for can only be satisfied by having a relationship with Jesus Christ our Lord and savior. How do I do that? When we talk to God, we talk to Him from our heart! God looks at the condition of our heart, weather we are telling the truth or not. First we humble ourselves, and confessing that we are sinner's. Second we accept His forgiveness. Jesus went to the cross for forgiveness of our sins. Then we ask Jesus to take control of our lives. If we humbly do this from our heart and we read the written word of God daily. By reading our Bible daily we are showing God that we are taking time out or our day to spend it with Him. That is conformation on our part that we want Him in our lives.