Something For Sundays: Year of the Girl
Feminine Energy, Heavenly Mother, Barbie, and pastel cardigans.
How blessed we are to have lived in 2023: Year of the Girl.
2023 feels like the soft sun shining through the clouds after the smothering and encompassing “girl boss do it yourself hustle culture” that we have endured for years. This year, there’s been a shift. The shift? The public has awakened to feminine energy.
Or maybe, that is just what has been awakened in me. Earlier this year, I participated in a free online “Understand Your Feminine Energy” workshop. It was hosted by a girl (perfectly tan, suspiciously smiley) who lives in Bali full-time. The whole thing sounded a little woo-woo and a lot emotionally taxing, so I figured it was right up my alley. The workshop included breathing exercises, dance parties, short lessons, and naming our inner critics. Though skeptical and hesitant at first, I was pretty blown away at the impact that it had on me.
It opened up a wound that I had ignored for much of my girlhood and early womanhood. Instead of ignoring it, I have tried to work on healing my femininity. Healing for me has looked like educating myself about the female menstrual cycle, not shying away from clothing that hugs my body, processing my emotions in real-time, enjoying female friendships, knowing when to reveal and when to retreat, and understanding that the world I have grown up in has operated in a way that views masculine energy as normal and ideal… when, in reality, it is just normal and ideal for half of the human population.
Understanding that latter aspect, for me, has helped me make intentional changes in-line with my cycle that helps the world function for me. Exercise is a prime example of this. While women are on a monthly cycle - like the waxing and waning of the moon - with fluctuating hormones to accompany them. Coordinating exercises to complement our cycle can do wonders. However, most of the exercise gurus of the world operate on a daily schedule - following the sun, the masculine energy. As I have tried to stick to exercise routines and schedules and participating in the “daily grind” - I found that sometimes, I am invigorated and excited and have energy, while other times, that amount of intensity is draining and I push myself more than what my body needs. In the context of the menstrual cycle and the moon, it all begins to make a little more sense.
There’s a lot to be said about feminine energy that I am still learning about. It’s not being passive and highly emotional. It’s about nurturing and relaxing into an energy that is beneath the layers of social conditioning, deeply held stories about myself, and – yes, I’ll say it – the patriarchy.
Daughters of Eve
Previously, I had considered feminine energy and masculine energy only in the ways it is talked about more frequently: dominant and submissive, pursuing and receptive, strong and weak… good and bad. Feminine energy has always gotten a bad rap. It’s the dark side, the “yin”, mysterious and weak and seductive and emotional and crazy.
This narrative has been around for centuries. Let’s think about the story that is included in three of the major religions of the world, over 50% of the world’s population: the story of Adam and Eve. I mean, Eve practically seduced Adam into disobeying God which resulted in the FALL OF ALL MANKIND.
While growing up, I was lucky to be taught to never blame Eve and see it as a step in God’s plan, the story is still confusing. If it was a step in God’s plan, did God actually want Eve to disobey? And why was it Eve that disobeyed in the first place? If I am supposed to see myself in the context of Adam and Eve, what does that mean for me as a woman? What’s worse, in many denominations of Christianity, women are taught that the pain of childbirth is Eve’s punishment for disobeying God. Eternally punished for simply being a woman. Until I started taking a hard look at all of my ideas around womanhood and femininity, I never truly saw the connection between what I was experiencing and this story that is so deeply ingrained in Western culture.
In an LDS context, the temple, until just a few years ago in which the church made a drastic change to the temple ceremony, women covenanted to God only through the means of their husband (provided he was faithful… which also brings a certain level of heightened anxiety that your salvation is tied to his worthiness). Women themselves were veiled (literally) to God while the men in the room made promises to God that counted for them and their spouse. Going through the temple for the first time at 19, how was I supposed to internalize that? I was supposed to be submissive to my husband… who, at 19, didn’t even exist yet. I was taught that the temple was the Lord’s home. I went to the temple searching for an encounter with God and yet, He didn’t see me.
Pastel Cardigans
I remember years ago explicitly telling the boy I was dating at the time, “Don’t worry, I’m not a feminist.”
I laugh at that now.
What was I really saying with that statement? “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy like other girls.” “Don’t worry, I will be submissive.” “Don’t worry, I am still a Christian and not a crazy progressive.” “Don’t worry, I will color inside the lines.”
Being a feminist is not the same as blaming men for everything. Being a feminist is not irrational. Everyone, truly, should be a feminist. Jesus most certainly was.
The International Women’s Development Agency describes feminism as this: Quite simply, feminism is about all genders having equal rights and opportunities. It's about respecting diverse women's experiences, identities, knowledge and strengths, and striving to empower all women to realize their full rights.
On my mission, I had a profound experience around my womanhood that did just that -- empowered me to appreciate my own identity, knowledge, strengths, and rights, and how that related to how God saw me.
If there are any other returned missionaries out there reading this, you might be familiar with The District videos. Yep, you know the ones! Training videos of real missionaries teaching real people videotaped for thousands upon thousands of missionaries for years to come to learn from. I remember there was a missionary on there who, to me, was the epitome of a Godly woman.
She wore pastel cardigans. Her hair was in a modest hairstyle. Her makeup didn’t draw too much attention to herself. She walked delicately and spoke softly. She baptized thousands (probably).
As I embarked on my LDS Mission journey in New York City, I fully expected to return home exactly like that missionary. I even bought a pastel cardigan. I was ready to be softer, delicate-er, and perfectly Christlike (but in a womanly-way).
I remember being 6 months into my missionary journey and feeling frustrated. “Why hasn’t my voice changed pitch?” I thought to myself. “Why am I constantly annoyed by the boys in my mission? Why am I becoming louder, not quieter?” It was true. I was becoming bolder, stronger, and more confident. Somehow, that didn’t translate into the Christlike, casserole-baking, never-complaining woman I thought I was supposed to be.
I was truly distraught about this. Pastel colors didn’t even look good on me. I remember distinctly praying to ask God about my dilemma. And also to repent. Not being this kind of woman was definitely a sin on my part.
“God,” I said, “I’m sorry. Even though I am trying from sun-up to sun-down, I’m not becoming more Christlike. I’m turning into the opposite of what you want me to be.”
And guess what? Something amazing happened. God spoke back to me. A stroke of light.
“Pastel doesn’t look good on you,” God said.
And, like most times, God has a funny way of being right. God taught me at that moment that God had enough women wearing pastel cardigans, and I didn’t need to be one of them. They looked great in them! I didn’t. It was at that time that I fully accepted and trusted that God didn’t want me to be anything other than myself. I could be slightly bossy, a little disorganized, sometimes sporadic, and sometimes unkind… and God still wanted me. I could be a Godly woman without wearing a pastel cardigan. God wanted me.
Finding Mother God
Growing up in the church, nearly all my heroes were male. Peter walking on water, David and Goliath, Nephi, Alma… of course, Jesus Christ. The women in the scriptures, for the most part, were either adulterers or played such a minor role that the extent of their stories were not told fully. Aside from the scriptures, while I had awesome leaders for my young women’s group who were women, the ones we all considered to hold the power of God and lead the church both locally and internationally were, and are, all male.
In the October 2023 General Conference, there were five sessions. Of the dozens and dozens of people who spoke, only three were female. Five sessions. Three female speakers. I’m not good at math, but the ratio seems a bit off on that one. (Also, did you know it wasn’t until 2013 that a woman first said a prayer in General Conference?)
Growing up, I always discounted the women’s talks at General Conference. They were “boring” and “lacked substance.” I wanted the hard-hitters, the doctrinally sound, the authority. At the time, I couldn’t look past their pastel cardigans. I didn't see them as individuals with unique strengths and weaknesses. I couldn’t see the whole picture.
Something in my heart has longed for the examples of feminine, righteous women. There are many good examples of this in my congregation both now and growing up, but I want to see more. I want to hear stories about them. I want to tell stories about them. I want to be one of them.
There have been more mentions of Heavenly Mother in my local congregation this year than ever before. When I started to take the idea of a Heavenly Mother seriously, it transformed the way I see myself and I see God.
Years ago, my mother bought me Finding Mother God, a collection of poems by Carol Lynn Pearson for Christmas. The gift was a surprise - I had never heard of it before. I remember devouring that collection of poems in a single day. The opening poem, “A Motherless House” was deeply healing to me in ways I didn’t fully understand. I remember bawling after reading that poem for the first time, and have teared up nearly every time I’ve read it since (you can read it here).
Although we don’t know many details of our Heavenly Mother, I believe that we can look to our own mothers and righteous women in our life to get to know our Heavenly Mother better. Our Heavenly Mother is the example of the Divine Feminine. I can only imagine that She is endlessly loving, completely selfless, extremely organized, perfectly intuitive, and remarkably beautiful.
Considering a Heavenly Mother has brought a gentleness and softness into my life that I can’t adequately explain. Although she has been squashed and shushed and “sacred, not secret,” Her vibrance exists and persists. She feels like the epitome of just, merciful, and true feminine leadership.
Year of the Girl
I think this is why I liked the Barbie movie that came out this year. The beginning scene was iconic - the women were not “girl-boss”-y, they weren’t tough and mean, they were fun-loving, exciting, feminine, beautiful women who were also leaders of Barbieland. It was an all-women government with women adorned in pink pantsuits and frilly dresses. Women gave other women prestigious awards. Women accepted the awards, not apologizing, but saying, “Thanks! I worked really hard and I deserve this.”
I think this is also why I have loved following the Taylor Swift Eras Tour. Women of all ages have come to the tour this year adorned with friendship bracelets, sparkly dresses, and ready to sing their hearts out. The feminine energy is strong as Taylor moves through her eras of womanhood - innocent and naive, rebellious, mysterious, mystical, magical. Feminine energy isn’t all sunshine and rainbows - the emotional and dark nature of femininity is just as a part of it. Taylor Swift does such a good job of encapsulating the female experience into one captivating concert (which I just saw in theaters because I am no match for the hardcore swifties wanting concert tickets).
While feminine leadership can look different from masculine leadership, one is not inferior to the other. I think one step at a time, as women see, embrace, and educate ourselves on Feminine Energy, the world will become more balanced. The yin complements the yang, and vice versa.
As a child, I was a really girly girl. I exclusively wore dresses and fantasized about Prince Charming. I was a hopeless romantic. I loved glitter and sparkles. In this 2023-Year-of-the-Girl-beginning-to-cultivate-my-feminine-energy-era, I have come back to that. I like feeling pretty, though the “pretty” doesn’t always include ribbons and bows. I am ditching the pastel cardigan once and for all. I am just me – inconsistencies, fluctuating hormonal cycle and all, and God is okay with that. In fact, She is lighting the way forward.
Powerful thoughts on your journey through womanhood and what it means for you. I remember you sharing that experience you had on your mission. You said you realized God didn’t want you to be like anyone else, that as you were serving God you were becoming more and more YOU. That has stayed with me and been inspiring for me.