What it is to believe
I listened to this year's general conference with full anticipation to receive answers. I was expecting them, I trusted in them, I believed I would receive.
I opened my little leaf-printed notebook and carefully wrote down the questions I had (there was a lot). I filled a page. I thought the answers were unknowable. It seems to me that the world is so fragile. Nothing is constant. One small thing can rock it all around. In my recent (brief) venturings on Twitter, I've seen a single statement get twisted and pulled into so many different ways that in the end, I can hardly recognize it anymore.
Because of these pullings and twistings, I've been left with confusion and doubt and overall sadness. Let me be clear: I'm not afraid to learn. I'm not afraid to branch out and see new perspectives. I'm not afraid of what people think of me, at least most of the time. But what I am afraid of is not living my life to the fullest potential that God has intended for me to live. It's that fear of God that is the drive for most of my deliberate actions. To be honest, I try to understand and I try to read what people give me in an attempt to explore what I believe from a new viewpoint. But it doesn't serve me. The minute I pick it up, the very minute I start to read that first sentence, a small part of me goes numb. That's the only way I can think of to describe it! It is as if my soul can't bear to spend any significant amount of time studying something that doesn't serve me.
What is it to believe?
I love Elder Holland's talk about belief. To believe is brave. To believe is noble. It is incredibly, incredibly brave to say proudly, "Lord, I believe" in a sea of people who put their doubts and criticisms on a pedestal.
To believe is to be curious. It is curiously putting the Lord's words to the test. If I really read my scriptures every day, every single day, will I be happier? If I follow the prophet's counsel to attend the temple often, will I really see the miracles He has promised? You believe it will, to some small degree, which is why the experiment is so appealing.
To believe is to reach. When you believe something about yourself, such as believing you can get a good score on your test, then you most likely can. We are what we believe about ourselves. What we believe about ourselves reflects what we believe about our God. We are in the likeness of God; He believes in us and is rooting for us because He knows us. He knows who we are, and He knows just how high our belief can reach (and therefore, what we can reach).
I believed I would receive answers to my questions - though they were many, and though they were difficult in my eyes. During the conference, I didn't feel like I had any huge soul-quaking moments. But, looking over my questions at the end, I saw that I had received the answers to the questions I sought. My belief governed my action (faith), which allowed my eyes to be open to what the Lord had so simply taught me.
What is it that I believe, underneath the fluff and the apparent inconsistencies?
I believe in Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. I believe in repentance. I believe in change. I believe in pure, undeniable, lasting happiness. I believe in revelation. I believe in second chances. I believe in twentieth chances. I believe in right and wrong. I believe in miracles. In return, I know God believes in me. I know in spite of my imperfections, mistakes, and whiny, emotional nature that He loves me and He sees a bright future ahead of me. He believes in my strengths and He believes in my weaknesses. I know that He believes me when I say that I am hurting. I know He believes me when I tell Him that I am strong. I know He believes me because I believe Him. I believe Him when I read that "All things work together for good to them that love God" (Romans 8:28). I believe His promises. I believe Him, and I believe in Him.
To believe is to learn. To believe is to try. To believe is to hope.
We are capable of more than we think we are. God is capable of more than we think He is. It is with this knowledge that Christ pleads: "Be not afraid, only believe".