At the end of a yoga class, the simultaneously most difficult and simple posture of the class inevitably comes: Shavasana.
In Shavasana, you lie down on your back, palms up, and attempt to be completely still.
“This is the most important posture of class. You’ve done all this work for your body, now it’s time to let your body absorb and process all that you’ve done,” my yoga teacher told our class.
Immediately, my head itches.
Immediately, I can feel the sweat rolling down my neck.
Immediately, my back is sore and I want to twist and stretch.
At the time… literally the ONLY TIME… that I need to be still it feels impossible to be completely. and. utterly. still.
July brought a lot of changes for me. We actually, truly, for real this time, left our home we made in Austin.
Of course I was dramatic about leaving and tried to drag out the “goodbyes” as long as possible. I started goodbyes back in May, tears and all. So in July, people kept being confused and saying, “wait… weren’t you supposed to leave like a month ago??”
But finally, actually, truly, for real this time, we said goodbye to our wonderful friends we’ve made in Austin, packed up everything, sold our furniture, sold my car that I had saved up my own little money for in college, and moved to Utah.
Alright!!!! I thought to Utah, You will become my home again!!! And I will try to like you!!!
Even though I grew up here, I set the intention to try to see this place with fresh eyes. So much of what I liked about living in Austin was trying lots of new things, being open to meeting new people, and looking for opportunities to be a part of the community.
So… I immediately signed up for a yoga studio down the street, went to church this Sunday, met a few neighbors, went on a hike, and found a random writing club at a coffee shop.
At said writing club, I sat there for a whole hour and could not write a thing. I doodled pictures of purses and watched a video about creativity to try to get the juices flowing. Nothing happened. I felt embarrassed when the person in charge asked me what I did that hour and I had nothing to show.
On the drive home, I’ll admit it! I was annoyed! Why does my home not feel like home anymore! I never ran out of things to write about when we lived in Austin! The people in the writing group were nice but didn’t seem like they wanted to be friends! Everyone wants to be friends in Austin! They probably thought I was lame because I went to a writing club and couldn’t even write!
And then, in a moment of pause, my heart said, “You need to chill, girl. It’s been 2 days.”
I thought back to Shavasana. I thought about all the work I had been doing in my life, the packing and the loading and the selling and the goodbye-ing and the unpacking and the figuring-outing of where all our unpacked things would go.
So much of my time in Austin was spent exploring and unlearning and relearning. It’s like I’ve been doing mental, emotional, spiritual yoga for the past 2.5 years.
I keep thinking that I need a good, long Shavasana to let myself absorb and accept all the work I’ve been doing. My body, my mind, my heart, we’ve all been working pretty hard the last little while.
How often do we just jump from one thing to another, and expect ourselves to perform at top capacity?!
The thing is, in our society, we’re not quite used to the concept of Shavasana.
Everything is instant. When I order online, I get annoyed if it will take longer than a week to get to me. I want my meal ready in 10 minutes or less. I want my skin to clear by drinking a special kind of tea instead of doing a 15-step skin routine morning and night.
And the noise! Why can it be so hard to sit still, in silence? I work out with headphones in. I go on a walk in the park with headphones in. I go grocery shopping with headphones in. Everywhere, all the time, I am listening to podcasts, books, and music. It’s not a bad thing — it’s a good thing, most of the time! But I think if this input is not balanced out by shivasana then it can feel like too much. My body and brain are working to keep up, but I rarely give myself time to just sit and breathe.
Lately, the internet has felt suffocating to me. It feels like one big advertisement that I am continually participating in (which isn’t so far from the truth).
Within 15 minutes of opening an app, I subject myself to anxiety, shame, self-righteousness, jealousy, anger, and joy. That can feel like a LOT.
Don’t get me wrong — I love the ability to dive deep into rabbit holes about Olympics contestants or ancient philosophies or sleep patterns, but sometimes it feels like an overload of information (that is usually selling something).
So the last few days, I have let myself breathe. I took a break from the constant books and podcasts and internet — the constant buzzing of what is important to everybody else.
I don’t miss the noise like I thought I would.
…and guess what? I can write again. :’)
May we all take a mental and physical shavasana today,
Kimber was here… and you’re here, too.
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I have been wondering how your move was going - and I loved hearing some details about the arduous process that must have been! I know you loved Austin and the friends you made there. I'm hopeful that Utah will be a good place for you again, as well! Also loved the photo that Jonny took of you! ♥
Love the beautiful picture of you and hearing more about your transition back to Utah. 😘