Something for Sundays: Maybe selflessness isn't always the answer
Do the same spiritual principles that work for men also work for women?
Something for Sundays is a series of posts about my experiences with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, featured in my Kimber Was Here newsletter. My posts reflect my personal journey wrestling with Mormon faith and tradition and may challenge some beliefs. If you're not in the right space to read this, I understand, I do not fault you, and I am so grateful you subscribe anyway. :)
Do the same spiritual principles that work for men also work for women?
What a daunting question to attempt to write about! You know already that this is so nuanced and so personal. Fair warning now — much of what I will write today may seem over-simplified and over-generalized… because it is!
But personally, even with the over-generalizations and over-simplifications, I have found so much empowerment and wisdom in learning more about how men and women, and the masculine and feminine, operate.
I believe it is useful and helpful, when growing up in a strongly masculine/yang environment like the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or even just Christianity!), to consider how principles of spirituality taught through a masculine/yang lens and may differ with a feminine/yin perspective.
If you know me, you know I’m a bit woo-woo when it comes to ~energies~. I have taken courses and workshops about feminine energy, including feminine communication in relationships, how it relates to business and work, etc.1
Ancient Chinese philosophy really has it down pat with the concept of Yin and Yang. Joseph Needham has described the yin and the yang as the “deeper level in Nature” — these energies are seen as complementary, interdependent, and balanced. One may even help create the other by their polarity.
As a brief overview:
Yin energy: feminine, dark, passive, cold, receiving, nurturing, restful, intuitive
Yang energy: masculine, light, active, warmth, assertive, logical, energetic, protective
In addition to this, there is healthy and collapsed versions of these energies. For example, if you are in your collapsed yang/masculine, you might be overly aggressive, selfish, and dominant. If you are in your collapsed yin/feminine, you might be overly selfless, a pushover, and a people pleaser (I know this collapsed feminine painstakingly well :’))
I refer back to the idea of yin and yang often in my personal life. It just makes sense to me. These driving energies are found in different elements of nature, in animal relationships (including humans!), and within our own selves.
Developing a sense of self
Until 1982, it was common for researchers to conclude that women were less morally developed than men :/
Carol Gilligan2, a researcher in the 1980’s, conducted studies that paved the way for considering female moral development and male moral development differently. Before Gilligan’s research3, all studies on moral development for both men and women were measured by research methods that relied on male-centered theories for moral development.
Interestingly, Gilligan’s research showed that women, from an early age, answered moral questions differently than men. Women, over and over, reasoned first about relationships, care, and responsibility as opposed to a definite correct ethical answer.
Women and girls, from as early as 12 years old, were answering ethical dilemmas with answers like: “Uhhh… it’s complicated. What if you did X and then the person you were with did Y and then the neighbor heard about it and told the police that you should have done Z, which resulted in…”
Gilligan argued that women weren’t less morally developed, but they were simply reasoning in a different way.
They weren’t just considering themselves and what they thought was right — they were thinking big picture, bearing in mind from an early age how their action or inaction would affect their relationships, roles in their societies, and their fluctuating sense of identity.
Allison Armstrong4, a researcher and teacher who focuses on relationship and gender dynamics, echoes this idea.
She teaches that while men tend to be more singular-focused and have a clearer sense of identity early on, women tend to experience a more interconnected sense of self.
For women, their sense of self is often more fluid and relational — influenced by their roles and responsibilities in relationships.
If men and women develop their sense of selves differently and see their function in the world differently, that may affect how certain religious or spiritual principles can be interpreted differently, too.
“Just be more selfless!”
Can you be “selfless” if your sense of self seems fluid to begin with?
Many principles taught in the main religions of the world have to do with the idea of getting over the ego and becoming more selfless. 5
Male religious leaders of all denominations, both ancient and modern, often speak of putting off the ego and striving for selflessness because that is what they have found brings them closer to God. I believe them!
As valuable as those qualities are, if women already are thinking so deeply about their relationships with others, how that ties to their responsibility and place in the world, and traditionally are socialized to prioritize others’ needs above their own, the answer to dealing with trials often being, “You just need to serve more! Forget yourself! Be more selfless!” might feel impossible.
A lot of times, the feminine naturally leans more towards this selflessness. A more helpful teaching may be to add some yang to your yin, and start developing that sense of self to become more complete and whole. On the flipside, the masculine, who has a clearer ego and a focused drive to succeed, can become more complete and whole by implementing selflessness.
I know, I know, it’s tricky! Now, remember what I said before about yin and yang energies? The feminine and masculine energies are energies.
Some women may have more yang energy. Some men may have more yin energy.
Only you (with the help of God!) can know what your spiritual self needs.
It might be helpful to quietly assess, “Do I need to have more humility? Be more selfless? Open my heart? Be more receptive? Do I need to develop discipline? Learn to stand up for myself? Work to build my own opinions? Do I need to strengthen my spine?”
From what I’ve read and what I’ve witnessed with my own two eyes, there’s a shift that happens in women when they start to consider themselves and their own needs and desires. When they truly start to put themselves “in the picture,” they gain a deep radiance.
A Divine Feminine Prototype
“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.” - Rumi
As a collective, I think women everywhere are searching for this Mother God6 because, at least in part, they are searching for themselves.
It’s interesting that “the expression of God as female is unimaginable to many while the expression of God as male is perfectly acceptable.”7 Speaking of a feminine God(dess) matters8 because it helps women have a clearer image of who they can be.
In my time researching feminine energy, I have learned that being in your healthy feminine means that you have a strong spine and a soft heart. You are able to have beautiful, soft qualities about you, but also have a deep strength and power within you.
When we start to truly consider a Mother God, we learn that She is not overly submissive, and She is not silent. She is not too sacred to talk about (did you know that myth began from a random seminary teacher in California?). She is fierce and strong and dynamic. She is a protector. We see scriptural examples of God being described as Mother Hen gathering her chicks. We read in Proverbs about Wisdom, which is said to be a title for Mother God9. Proverbs 8 is even spoken from Wisdom’s voice! Go read it! It’s glorious!
Women are finding their voices
Once upon a time, Ariel the mermaid lost her voice. Aurora from Sleeping Beauty was asleep, and Snow White was enclosed and tucked away in a cottage in the woods.
Now, we have Disney female princesses like Moana who restore the heart of the island back to Te fiti, or Elsa in Frozen 2 who finds that the voice she’s been searching for is her Mother. These female characters are making substantial changes to the world, like unfreezing the whole world and restoring life to the island.
(Watch this video and this video if you want to see what I mean!)
Can you feel it? The collective feminine psyche is changing.
Within the Church and outside of the Church, women are finding their voices. Just like these princesses represented in Disney, women are no longer silent, tucked away. They are empowered by a Divine Female force that gives them hope and courage to build their strong, secure, brilliant, beautiful selves.
The rise of women is so needed and beautiful. Yes, of course, it is done imperfectly, but it is happening, and good things are coming from it.
Like I wrote earlier, in our religious texts, there are often sermons from men to men. What would it look like if we had ancient scriptures with sermons from women to women?
At church, what would happen if we had stronger female leadership developing teachings on how to become a spiritually mature woman?
For me, it’s not just about women having higher callings in the church. It’s about learning the ins and outs, the process, the path, the “how” in becoming a spiritual woman.
I wonder what those spiritual conversations could look like. What sermons could be created that teach this healthy way of searching for yourself? What sermons could be created that teach what a divine woman looks like?
I hope there are women now who are willing to do that. 10
Maybe that woman is you.
Maybe that woman is me.
“For Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare to her.” Proverbs 8:11
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I’ve learned a lot from Kelley Bode Cama, who I have been following for years now, and interestingly recently converted to Christianity!
Who I first learned about on this interesting podcast episode!
Here is the link to her book In A Different Voice, published in 1982!
I really enjoyed this workshop of her’s that is on Audible!
I recently read this newsletter by Celeste Davis that talked about this idea!
I know I mention Carol Lynn Pearson in pretty much every newsletter, but if you haven’t read Finding Mother God, I recommend it.
Glennon Doyle from Untamed
Check out this Instagram page!
I have learned so much from taking this course!
There are many, actually! Sarah Bessey, Mandy Green, McArthur Krishna, Melissa Inouye are a few.
So much food for thought! Thank you. 😊
I have literally NEVER thought about whether the same spiritual principles work for both men and women. What an interesting question to ponder. You've got me thinking!!