Something for Sundays: Not trusting in ourselves, but trusting in God… but also learning to trust yourself.
The paradox of trusting God
I remember during my dating years, I just wanted God to tell me what to do.
There were many tear-filled prayers in the car while I sought for direction on certain relationships. I was so frustrated when it felt like God was silent in a time that I really needed Him to make decisions for me.
In the past, there have been instances in my life where God’s voice is crystal clear. It’s easy to trust in direction you feel is undoubtedly from heaven. Applying to Utah State is a good example of this. I was searching for scholarships online as a senior in high school, and when I came upon the Ambassador Scholarship… I heard a voice in my head so out of the blue and clear that said “Yes”. I swear to you!!! And so I got my portfolio together in record time, and ended up being an ambassador at Utah State for four years. It totally shaped my college experience and gave me some of my dearest friends!
Another time I got an out-of-the-blue must-be-from-God direction was when I got a clear prompting that I should move down to Salt Lake City even though I wasn’t finished with my degree yet. The direction was so so crystal clear that I pushed through all of the inconveniences and obstacles and made the move completely on faith. But in my heart, I knew it was what God wanted me to do — and that knowledge sustained me when things felt impossible. (Which I wrote about a long time ago here!)
Dating, however, was a totally different story.
With dating, I constantly floundered. I searched for direction every day with prayer, and was met with silence or conflicting feelings in my heart. This always resulted in me being so unsure with 1) how I was feeling and 2) what that meant I should do. My lack of certainty caused confusion in my relationships led me to second-guess decisions when I did make them. Which often resulted in me going back to relationships again and again being like, “Hiiii! I still don’t know how I feel about being together but I feel really sad!” Which was very unfortunate and confusing for all parties involved (sorry).
I remember being in one of my crying car sessions looking the mountains and feeling so frustrated with God. “Helllooo up there???” I said, “I’m trying to make a decision here, where are you???”
Silence.
“Hellooooo? How am I supposed to trust you when I don’t know what you want me to do? I am willing to do what you want — seriously, anything! — just tell me what it is!”
I remember one time in a moment of silence I had a little bitty thought that said: maybe you should trust yourself.
I was outsourcing my conscience to the church. I was outsourcing my conscience to God.
We are taught to trust in God, not in man… including ourselves! The Apostle Paul, in 2 Corinthians 1:9, literally writes “we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raises the dead”
Now, to be completely clear on this, I have still not wrapped my head around how to trust yourself and also how to trust in God — because the idea in 2 Corinthians 1:9 has been pounded into my brain for so long it felt almost ludicrous to try to do both. It feels very either-or. It feels very black-and-white.
Mind Your Business
Someone whose work I really admire, Byron Katie, talks about there being three kinds of “business” in our lives. Our business, others’ business, and God’s business.
She has a catchphrase of “mind your business,” meaning to not focus on someone else’s business, like your best friend’s business, your neighbor’s business, or your spouses’s business. For things out of our control — natural disasters, for example — she refers to as “God’s business”. She defines “God” as “reality,” which I have not been able to stop thinking about.
For things completely out of my and anyone else’s control — I have to turn it over to Reality, to God. Only God knows what will happen and when. I cannot alter Reality… but I can alter how I respond to Reality.
Certain things are in my control, like what relationships I choose to stay in, how I choose to show up at work, how I react to a comment, what I decide to wear, etc. Those things are my business.
Maybe the reason God gave me the reigns in my dating life was because, in the end, it was my business.
It gets all muddy for me. Can both things be true? Am I able to trust in myself and trust in God at the same time?
Freedom in God’s Character
It can feel so paralyzing to make decisions when I am not trusting myself. I feel the need to wait for external validation, a spiritual confirmation before I can make my next step.
I want to feel free to make decisions based on my own heart and mind, to build up that muscle of my conscience and intuition. But there’s a hesitancy in me sometimes. Does that mean I am not trusting God? What is the difference between my intuition and the Holy Spirit anyway?
1 Peter 2:16 says, “Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.” (ESV)
Living as people who are free — that’s what I want! To be free to experiment and learn and grow and not be afraid! I mean, the whole point of Jesus coming to earth and atoning for mankind is so we can have full freedom! He offers us liberty, right? And if (when) we make a mistake, it’s covered by His grace and mercy. So why does it still feel so hard to trust in that? Why does it feel so SCARY to make a misstep? Maybe THAT’S the part of trusting God that I still need to work on.
Maybe trusting myself goes hand in hand with trusting God. Trusting in God’s goodness not punish and condemn when I am learning about how to be a good human. Trusting in God’s patience and long-suffering as I am floundering about.
And for those out-of-the-blue experiences that I spoke of earlier? Ironically, both of those instances were times when I wasn’t necessarily looking for answers or direction. I wasn’t spiraling in my self-doubt about decision-making. I was moving full-speed ahead and God gave me a little nudge.
Maybe I shouldn’t count on that “nudge” being a norm — maybe instead I should think of it as being a redirection, a gift, a miracle.
Maybe trusting God is not about God telling me what to do and then I do it, but more about trusting in God’s character. Trusting in God’s ultimate goodness. Trusting that God sees me for who I am. Trusting that God wants me to make my own decisions, and is there with abounding grace when I fall. Or flounder. Or go back on my decisions once I make them.
Daring to trust in a God who offers freedom and grace and mercy and goodness in abundance. Daring to trust my intuition within me — I believe God did create me after all!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. I hope you all have a restful week.
Thanks for reading,
Kimber xx
I love your thought about trusting in God means trusting in His character. I believe that is true and can carry us through some dark times of not being able to see clearly.
This was incredibly relatable and validating. Thanks for sharing!